Act I

Pigmalion,  a Farce in 5 Acts
Act I: Verses 1 - 5

 

Johnny Mac needed a date for a wedding 

So he turned to Mush Limpole for some vetting 

I want a demure but bright lass 

With big boobs and a tight ass 

I'll score you some roxies for your abetting 

 

Johnny, I haven't found any ringers 

Alas with the total package, few zingers 

A matronly Texan too plain 

Or those Trotskyites in Maine 

Where in these 48 are the right-wingers

Mush, perhaps a compromise this time 

The main thing is that she look fine 

If cute and low in chronology 

I don't care about her ideology 

Damn, I don't even care about mine
 

Within this herd there is a dearth 

But Ms Right we will unearth 

We must expand our search 

Who at this party would besmirch 

Merely because of her place of birth
 

I'm overcome with a conservative vision 

I hope this won't be met with your derision 

I dreamed of a committee ad hoc 

With me and that gal on 30 Rock 

Mush, I'll create a clone by cell division! 

Act II

Pigmalion,  a Farce in 5 Acts
Act II: Verses 6 - 10

I asked our nation's leader who stated glibly 

I have a plan to shoot her in the belly 

And after this act of predation 

Move to my undisclosed location 

If it fails I'll just blame Scooter Libby
 

But Dick I won't commit murder 

I prefer to not even hurt her 

The scientists who contrive 

To continually keep you alive 

It's with them I'd like to confer
 

He referred me to Doctor Zhivago 

A cryogenic scientist in Chicago 

Had the secret of the matter 

A frozen head on a platter 

Carried by Salma a comely Chicano
 

Salma bode me stand closer to see 

I was doing just that when she directed me 

Back to that frozen head 

Although obviously long dead 

Staring at me the face of Dick Cheney
 

My God what are the implications 

Is Dick's heart lacking palpitations 

Is Zhivago really Boris Karloff 

Must I cut Tina Fey's head off 

Is Salma signaling romantic invitations 

Act III

Pigmalion, a Farce in 5 Acts
Act III: Verses 11 - 15

 

Zhivago explained what injured Dick alas 

An oilfield explosion when bent to kiss ass 

Sealing a deal with Hussein 

So Haliburton could remain 

Sole producer of oil and Saddam's natural gas 

 

Saddam gathered all of Dick he could view 

Frozen inside an aluminum tube with co2 

Despite his best inclination 

A problem with refridgeration 

Left us with only this head and Cheney stew
 

Zhivago said the human body Is a vessel

It's really not that much of a hassle 

I don't want the head of Ms Fey 

But need a body and her DNA 

And stem cells to have your ideal damsel
 

Then Mush called, excited and in a daze 

This Alaskan woman does amaze 

Sarah Doolittle is her name 

Against corruption is her claim 

For a new wardrobe she'll change her ways
 

Salma will not be be in my plan of attack 

Even though she had a nice rack 

Much to my regret 

I was sure she was wet 

I'm afraid that was only her back 

Act IV

Pigmalion, a Farce in 5 Acts
Act IV: Verses 16 - 20

 

Mush is on a fact finding mission 

But she might be chosen due to attrition 

He can negotiate with Ms Doolittle 

Come home with her committal 

And collect from Feelgood, my personal physician 

Johnny, now that she's been chosen 

No doubt you two will soon be posin' 

But after doing heavy lifting 

My bad back is very fitting 

And for those roxies I am jonesin' 

 

We'll get her to Chicago by some ruse 

A free nip tuck she couldn't refuse 

So with Tina's DNA awaiting 

Zhivago can go about creating 

My date for Uncle Sam's big schmooze 

 

I myself am headed for New York City 

But first must meet with the pork committee 

Give Michael J Fox and jerks 

Money for stem cell research? 

Stick a fork in that, I've got no pity 

 

It was easy getting in 30 Rock that day 

My celebrity helps me in that way 

Watching Tina taping closeups 

I quickly switched our coffee cups 

Giving me the DNA of Ms Tina Fey  

Act V

Pigmalion, a Farce in 5 Acts
Act V: Verses 21 - 25

 

Sarah flew to Chicago as was our plan 

The perfect date for our leading man 

Her sweet innocence soon imbued 

With Tina Fey drama will exude 

I'll be Prince Charles and she Lady Diane 

 

Zhivago did all was promised to fix her  

Injecting into Sarah his magic elixir 

Thowing in a youthful perk 

And that now signature smirk 

Leaving his nurse to ready Sarah for the mixer 

 

A woman scorned is desperate for survival 

Tho only tasked with Sarah's revival 

Realizing as she holds the suture 

Sarah instead will live her future 

Salma chanted over the body of her rival 

 

Double double toil and trouble 

Fire burn and caldron bubble 

Venom strike of snake got 

Blood of poison toad in pot 

Tempered with brain of Betty Rubble 

 

Zhivago burst in tho certainly too late 

Realizing the horror done over a date 

A soul destroyed in that chanting 

Reduced to a life of bitter ranting 

An angelic woman condemned to this demonic fate